J.I.N

Before anything else, I am a fool….that’s what I am…Just when i feel that i am on the track for things,finally….but it turned out to be naught for everything…every oath to myself, every single goal set….it’s just nothing but vain…

People try to give me thier two cents’ worth…or perhaps more valuable than that i suppose…but sadly to say,futile is what thier words end with…I am an underachiever in everything…jack of all trades but master of none…it’s just like an abyss which doesn’t echo you when you pour your single effort inside…what is it that really awaits?…failure?…success?…light?…darkness?….

I really don’t know and I had enough of everything….flame me for being pessimist..chop me and blend me with milk…slap me to my consciousness…i doubt i will ever wake up from the nightmare nor walk out of the dark….is the door to light just a myth?…I am teetering on the edge of nothing…waiting whatever that will befalls on me…

Expecting my doom…….or light?….i’ll let it for you all to decide…but affirmatively not expecting 9 months for a baby… * freezing cold *

Much more like blazing and burning hell for the past few days..As I merely escaped from the clutches of sorrow,I bought myself a ticket and flee overstraits,our lovely neighbour,SIngapore..It’s kind of a last minute decision but I do really need some space to breathe and cast aside everything..Then,off I went to Singapore…

As much of my friends know me (or should I say just one or two of them) about this dream of mine..The hopes are still glittering with shinning light,eventhough it failed me years back..

Without fail,I will travel to the Lion City at least twice a year..It has been all while for me to live at there and maybe that’s what they termed it self-consoling for what I have done so far..I falled short to become the cream of the crop for the later years but all this while,it has never been a second it slipped out of my mind..The dream to live in a sophisticated heaven which I yearned for..This brimming passion is just like the torch of the olympic,full of frevor and anticipation…

For me,now its the time to fight for what I desire for…I have done what I should to keep this dream of mine alive…I would do anything and I do mean anything just for the sake of it…Starting a new life in the garden city is what I am looking forward to..

Kitto Katsu!!!!!!

I have blew out the 22nd candle months ago and this directly shows how long I have live..As they say,the older you get,the more problems and questions will keep pouring in..with that,I don’t deny and I have to raise both of my hands to go along with it..

For the past years where no worries and fears have provided a mere mortal like me with a simple life,I am contended and feel blessed abotu it..I guess all this has come to an end..Questions like ‘what lies ahead?’..’what will happen in the near future?’..everything..all the unsures..has shattered the faith and believe inside me..I just feel like I am wandering in the darkness and searching for the door to light..As I told myself all the way long,"there will always be a door to light"…Is that true?…I doubt it myself…I have seen peoples around me living in the light where as I see myself living in the darkness..

Life is vulnerable…I don’t know how to express this kind of feeling but it’s kind of a mix feeling..I belive all of us have the sense of gratitude down inside to our parents for bringing us into this world..I am no exception..But I guess,there are many things to me to think and crack my brain over it..If I will ever describe life..I would say it as a big puzzle which requires patient and wisdom to decode the meaning of it..It’s just something like the heart..complex and hard to understand..There is just more than anger and hatred,but it’s full of all kinds of feelings..Hearts are unpredictable..and so are one’s thought..

I wouldn’t say I understand myself inside out..On contrary,I would say I only understand myself up to 60%..It’s hard for someone to see all his plus and minus sides..It’s just no way..It’s just not..The best way to see yourself,is when you are not yourself..kind of contradicting..I don’t know if I get the sentence right or vice versa..Nah..

Looks like I have to compose myself to walk on..All I can ever do now is pray for my sorrows to end and hope that everything will blend in such a way I am looking forward for it to..starting a new journey may not be so hard..or maybe its already begun and I am on the track without realizing it..

Maybe I will lost myself during the journey,but I will see everyone beside me just as the way they remember me…The chain of memories will be broken..Guess I will just have to follow the light in my heart..and hopefully it will guide me to the right path and not obliteration…

How long has it been…..

Since I have a grin on my face,

How long has it been….

Since I have laughed from the bottom of my heart,

How long has it been….

Since the day I was devoured by you,

Time has slipped away,

Knowing the things which I shouldn’t know,

Podering over hazed affair,

Imaginations gallop as the horses in the wild,

It seems that each word carrying a meaning of its own,

With a bagful of love,

Or perhaps,

With a stalk-ful of thorns,

Serenely,

Hanging on with the sixes and sevens around,

It seems like a pearl in the oyster,

Precious piece of treasure,

Yet beyond reach by the hard and cold covering,

The likelihood to truimph,

And win over your seat of intellect as proposed by Aristotle,

Will I ever stand a chance?..

The answer,

Lies within your life sustaining pump..

How long will it be….

Until I have you with me,

How long will it be….

Until I have a pure grin on my face,

How long will it be….

Until I have a smile which is sincere,

How long and what will it be ………..

"The freedom you have is so dazzling."

Said a boy,

"Even if I don’t know the purpose of my existance?"

I replied,

Mankind is a creature,

That yearns for the things which they doesn’t possess,

What is it…

That we truely want to have a piece of,

The boy was struggling in fear,

When he noticed that he was devoured by the cold lonelliness,

As if he is shivering in freezing winter without warmth,

Then,

He had a new understanding,

That we always open the window for tomorrow,

"By dreaming?"

A voice came up within him,

Nothing is everlasting in this world,

Seasons come and go,

Flowers bloom and wilt,

Rainbows appear and fade,

But still,

Flowers are waiting for us,

In a place we haven’t place our eyes on,

Before we were used to being bored,

And our time passed quickly,

Even if it’s the end of the world,

Even if onlookers laughing me for trying in vain,

I"ll go on and stay put for you,

Because nothing is as fearful as giving up,

You are the reason I live for,

You are the air I breathe,

You are the only world,

Which spins on my orbit….

                  " Life is like a novel..many chapters..read and forgotten "

The above phrase holds true for every single homosapiens on the place created my Mother Nature.Being a homosapiens,I am no exception..So far,I have self narrate my life journal for 21 years..Many sweet and beautiful moments were penned down in this novel of mine..Not to forget those painful,miserable and distressing reminiscences..

Previous chapters were hectic and life was in a total mess..backtracking those chapters,I suddenly recalled that some of them were burned by the ferocious fire..and some were devoured by the traceless time..I have live up to now..Though it’s miserable when things are against you.."That’s life!" and that is all i could ever quote..Everyone yearns for a smooth sailing life where things pop up accordingly from thier meticulous planning..Who doesn’t covet for such life..Life is full of setbacks and obstacles..the road ahead sure is not a traveller friendly one..

Basically,it is just a matter of balance…imagine,what will happen to earth if there is no rain and living beings are thirst to death..what will happen to mankind if there is no sun and we have to live in eternal darkness..Things just happen as the way it is..pain will strike anyone and cause make one’s life tough..tears will drop when you start to yearn for something which is beyond your reach..which in the end will cause the heart to smash into smithereens..

Chapter twenty one of my live journal,it is hard as it seems..I certainly don’t have a clue on what will happen in the future..People said that you mold your own future..hence,regardless any hardships..preseverence is the key and patience is the remendy of it all..In life,nothing is as fearful as giving up..chapter twenty one,you are going to end it in awe-inspiringly..

Question!..How to avoid from shedding tears while cutting onions?..Some people might said that by not looking at it..Do they ever think that they will cut thier hand in return?..By looking at it,you will bleed viscerally in the heart..by not looking at it,you will bleed superficially..If you all were give a chance to choose..Would you choose to bleed superficially or internally?..Tough!

As for me,I would choose to looking at the onions while handling it..It is the same when it comes to love..By looking on someone you deeply in love with live in happiness,it is a blessing..though the hand that hold her might not be you..sadly..but just by seeing her wishes bring granted and found her happiness,I would feel the joy for her too..still,the pain exist and everytime,a smile will cover the sadness and bury the tears..Others might not agree with me as thier male chauvinism overcome them..am i right?

As the saying goes,Man propose God dispose..things will never turn out the way as you want it to be..the synonyms for reality is cruel,harsh and callous..Love theory,rule one,chapter one..Appreciate while it is still there..As I always toe the line for this rule..I would always appreciate the one I love and never let go of them..but in the end,mishaps always occure

On contrary,tons of people out there tagged me with the word casanova and flirt..for me,it is not my style to clear the air between me and those misunderstood freaks,unless you are someone who is important to me..since they jump to the conclusion that I am appalling and atrocious,let them be..My conscience is clean and clear!…

Eden..as the word suggest,it is a place where no sorrows and full of joys all the time..but in this eden of mine..all I could smell is the air of sorrow and feel the excruciating pain…thats what exist in my eden..fine then,maybe it’s nice for me to change Romeo’s eden into Romeo’s eternal doom….nice name though..

My world has started spinning backwards,

The acceleration has increased,

When I noticed,

It was dark before my feet,

I am standing at the edge of the clift,

Gentle maples fall off from the dearest tree,

White snow melts away and kiss goodbye to winter,

Burning sun drains the gift of God from the well,

Our eyes meet again,

My heart throb and I hide my feelings behind a smile,

As I am afraid I might go back to the times,

Which I had not known you,

We have come to know each other little by little,

But sadly,

Everything was seems like two parallel lines,

My love grew when we can’t meet,

My heart aches because my voice didn’t reach you,

I will always be by your side,

Though I can do nothing else,

On the days of tears and on the days of smiles,

I will always be by your side,

Everyone walks on,

To meet just one person someday,

Over the wide horizon out there……….

The loyal pawns have falled on thier knees at the frontline..Mighty castles have been destructed..Courageous knights perished with the dashing horses..The swords fall together with the valiant bishops..Influential queen was sent to meet her Maker..Lastly,the head of almighty king rolled down..It was waterloo!!!!!!!..

The crushing defeat in that game of chess above best resemble the bloody hectic day of mine..Everything was broken into pieces from the very moment i saw the message from hell,which is the 3rd Maths’ test of mine..I really like to scold foul words here..forget about uncivilized,uncultured or whatsoever..If I could describe the lecturer with 3 words,that would be F**K,F**K and stil F**K…No doubt that I am weak in Maths and I am partly responsible for the trounce..beat it!!…I have tried my very best..I have drained all my brain cells..I have poured in all the effort..But did the bloody F**KER did?..I doubt so..by assuming that we know everything..by giving some examples..by skipping the questions which he himself don’t know to solve..by doing those things will be termed responsible and dedicated lecturer?…oh hell no!..maybe he just try to make a living there and draw his salary without even feeling guilty of what he did..ahhhhhhhhh…..just forget about it…what will be will be…no use for me to criticise that fellow in my eden..haha

Well,there is indeed a turning point today which lift my spirit that hit the rock bottom before this..the skating outing at Sunway Pyramid is cool..as usual,the rink was flooded with people..after manage to squeeze my feet into the skate………….let’s rock!!!!……Due to the large crowd and all the actions of shunning,I fell down twice and wet my jeans..urgh!!!…that was awful because the rink was wet and……you know don’t you…on the other hand,the joyful thing is I found the accurate and authentic skating skills..haha…thou i am not as professional as those proficient skaters..but I manage to skate very well I might say..haha..In the end of the day,I got the right skill to skate and as well some bruises on my feet plus a pair of sore legs..sigh…really…it is a day of mix emotions..i do hope the coming days will be fine.. =)

I said to myself that I am ok,

Although I am all alone,

But I am doing my best,

And showed my usual smile,

I didn’t feel in desperation,

But in a kind of defiance,

Is it love?

Or being love?

The soul who love,

Poured everything in,

The soul who being loved,

Received the warmth of the being loved,

I don’t want to hear nor speak,

The pain will be getting worse,

So i just accept it,

I never tried to count how long it has been since we have met,

But I feel like spending more time with you,

So much that is mysterious,

I can feel you near me,

I am sorry for always relying on you,

It’s just that I can’t do anything myself,

More than anyone else,

I am praying that the dream you drew in your heart comes true,

That you can be happy together with the person you love so much,

I am always relying on you,

But this time,

Let me be one of the tiny star in your sky which will brighten up your night,

And lead you the way to the road named happiness,

I hope that you can laugh together with the person you love so much,

Regardless who will it be,

I will always be the guardian that stays by your side,

By seeing you walking through the path of happiness,

I am more contended than anyone else,

Though my love still birming passionly without the fear of giving up,

The last wish of mine,

Is to see you live happily ever after,

As the princess in the fairy tale,

And as well in my live………